40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 25

So today was eventful in the fact that I actually did some things instead of just relaxing with Fallout 3 and classic movies. I started looking at movie listing and seeing what all was out so I could maybe see a movie tonight. Well I saw that Expendables 2 had come out, and I had wanted to see that so I decided that I would catch it by myself. Well as I’m starting to get ready for the time I had picked to see it, Robert calls and I have to talk to him. This was a good thing, I like hearing from him, though some of the things talked about weren’t so good for me. We touched on his work and his teaching for the coming semester, but then we started to talk about the rest of my family and what they were up to. Alex is in a serious relationship with his girlfriend and starting to shop for a ring and he got the job he had applied for or whatever and is getting ready to take the bar. Ian is going to propose in September some time and then probably get married the next summer. And Meg is applying for day time hours at her job that she likes. Add all of that to what I’ve been going through and feeling and we get a fairly big pit in me at the moment.

It’s not even about her anymore, it’s about where I was and how I felt in life. I felt I was where I should be and was actually starting to feel how I should feel about life. All that goes away and then half of my family is at the point I was at all in the blink of an eye. I want them all to be happy, but their happiness was planned poorly with some of my misery.

So that lowered my spirits for the evening, but I still went out to go see the Expendables 2. It was a really good movie that I think everyone should see. It won’t push boundaries or be an award winner for anything that big, but it does exactly what it should. The movie brings together basically every big action star in the last few decades and then goes “you know, we have all of these stars that people know, let’s just have fun with this!” Which is exactly what they do. They make jokes about everyone’s past: Terminator jokes, Die Hard jokes, they even had freaking Chuck Norris jokes! What more could you ask for in an action flick like this one? They blow stuff up and make funny jokes.

After the movie I grab a quick meal at IHOP to finish off my night, and then went back home to get some rest for the coming week.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 22

Not quite sure what happened today, but I’m going to think it was nothing besides my usual, though I have been watching movies that are all really good. I started with Die Hard and am moving my way through all of the different action classics since I already watched all of the romantic comedies known to man. It really gets me pumped up to see it all because I’ve either never watched most of the action staples or saw them in bits and pieces or saw them a long time ago. Add all of that to me listening to Two Steps From Hell and I think I’m going to be having a pretty action packed week.

Tomorrow is the final chapter of John’s D&D campaign for a while until we all get back from college or see each other again. Tonight though we made it to IHOP and had one of our usual derp sessions there with pretty much everyone. It was a good time with some good company.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 21

So I haven’t been keeping up with this like I should be, which is also a reflection on what I’ve actually been doing in life. I haven’t been doing much besides taking my meds, talking to friends, and reading occasionally. So the next few posts will seem kind of scattered and short because these will have been written a few days after they happened. My memory kind of blurs these things together, so let’s see what happens!

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 18

Not much happened today because I was still resting from my vacation that I had. I slept in most of the day, but when I finally got up I went out to try and get my drugs from the pharmacy. This didn’t work because they were closed, which was kind of annoying because I wanted my drugs because these should be the right drugs, and they said they would have them ready Thursday. After my trip to the pharmacy I started organizing my computer and moving stuff so I would have some more space for movies and music for while I’m over in Italy.

Besides that, I’ve just been playing Pokémon and drinking coffee while my computer does backups, defrag, and virus checks. Tomorrow I’m thinking about hitting up an action movie and maybe doing another city scape. I’ll also run tomorrow since I didn’t run all weekend, though I think water fun and walking around downtown San Antonio make up for it.

I really want to go to the museums in town, but I need to find someone who actually wants to go besides my mother. I just want to go with a friend that won’t be stupid and will actually appreciate what is in front of them. With how things have been though, I don’t think I’ll find someone.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 17

The next day we were going to hit the Riverwalk and all of the things around it, which I told the guys about and they had agreed to and were fine with when we first made these plans. So we go to the Riverwalk and I start talking about it and all of the things around it until we hit the mall and decide to go into the collectables store there. We spent a fair amount of time there until we left and were getting ready to hit the Alamo, but when we got outside and were in sight of the Alamo Chase immediately goes “alright, I’ve seen the Alamo. I’m done”. Bullshit. So we didn’t do that even though they said they were fine with it, so we try to do the attractions right next to the Alamo, which they don’t want to do because of cost (understandable for some of it). So we just grab lunch and I hit the Herwick’s to grab some sketching supplies because I wanted to sketch a little bit while I was in town. Well after dinner, some of the people didn’t want to do any of the things that I told them we could do in San Antonio, so we just decided to go back home.

Once I got back home I told my parents about the trip and highlighted the high points of it all and discussed the low points. High points were the water fun, hanging with friends, playing games, and being back in San Antonio. Low points were the complaining from Jake about everything, Chase complaining about the hotel since we didn’t stay that long in San Antonio, and the two hour wait for a ride we didn’t get to go on. Jake complained about the cost to fun ratio at Schlitterbahn, and said blanket statements about how there was no fun had there. He also complained about the people there, the people in San Antonio, the university food, Subway, and his usual racist homophobic statements. Chase complained about the hotel because we didn’t spend much time in San Antonio.

That was my vacation for this summer, and overall I enjoyed it and would do it again (maybe with a different place and stuff to do). I think next year I’ll take a road trip with some friends and go up north. We’ll see what all happens between now and then.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 15

I went to my doctor today to get my meds adjusted and get a prescription for when I’m in Italy. Well, turns out I wasn’t taking quite the right meds that I was supposed to, so he wrote me a new prescription for the rights ones and increased my vitamins some more. We will see how this all affects me in the near future.

After that I went and ran the rest of the errands that I needed to do. I went to Office-whichever-the-fuck-it-is, and got some filing stuff for my mother. I hadn’t been there since I had made my prints of my D&D mats and before that was my portfolio run around. Afterwards I went to the bank to deposit the check that the university sent me for the refund of my deposit on my dorm room there. I was kind of surprised because I spilled a number of colored drinks on the carpet and wall, but I’m not going to complain about money. Once I finished that I made it back home and took a nap.

Once I finished my nap I went back to reading The Hobbit, and by the end of the night I finished it. Once I finished I was really worried for the movies that they are doing now, because it seems that it doesn’t have enough for three whole movies. Two movies was pushing it already, but I really don’t think they can make three movies from that one book, even if they use the deep sea scrolls of Tolkien’s work. After I finished reading I had pot roast for dinner with the family and talked about the movies with my family. We all shared similar fears about them.

After dinner, I went out for my run and started going through my emotions again. I kept getting mad at everything that was going on with me and how I was dealing with it all. I mean, I go to a shrink to try and fix what is wrong with me, I go to group therapy to fix other things that are wrong with me, I take meds so I don’t feel so tired just from getting up in the morning. I work so hard in school for B’s and little to no praise for what I do (some of that is reasonable, especially with my last project), I try to have friends where I am, and I just don’t understand. Why do things have to be so hard? Why can’t I just have something be easy, or be good, or be nice for once? I know I’ve done some bad things, but I actually have changed, and not the bull crap where I say I have, but I’m just lying so things will go away and just be simpler. I’m thinking that I’m just self-destructive at this point. That everything I do is actually to make it so I’m never happy. So I have a constant struggle and a constant complaint in my life. And that goal and stuff that I said yesterday? Yeah, that is gone. I just want a life where I don’t have to wake up each morning, drinking three cups of coffee after my meds, and try to figure out why that is so hard. Why can’t I just get rid of all of my problems, be happy, find someone who actually likes me, and just have a good life for once?

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 14

I took in the cleaning today, only about a week after my mother had told me to do it. After that I went around and took out all of the trash. This kind of “do stuff” mentality kept with me for most of the day.

It led to me cleaning out my closet and getting rid of stuff in my room. I started going through the stuff under my bed and throwing away old food wrappers and trash (note: I’m going to stop eating in my room, crumbs have gotten to be really annoying). After that I went through the storage bins under my bed, which had my old senior legacy which I didn’t care much about, but it did have my old travel scrapbook. The scrap book that I had made for Lexiyee one anniversary, it had all of the different kinds of places we were going to go and what all we were going to do. I flipped through it and read some of the entries there. It made me really sad, because I had not really wanted Lexiyee to come visit me in Italy, partly because I didn’t want to look stupid getting lost or not speaking the right language, but also because she had said that proposing abroad would be a great way to do it. I hadn’t gotten enough money together for the ring when she had talked to me about this so I didn’t really want to. Now I wish I had tried to help more.

I kept going through things and trying to straighten up some and organize my closet so I could actually use it once in a while. While doing this though I think I came to a conclusion about what I’m going to do and give myself some actual goals to strive for. I’m going to keep going with my forty days and see how much I evolve and keep up with my chronicling of it all. I’m going to keep working out, reading, and doing things with my friends. I’m going to keep up with my new style of things, dressing sharper and taking care of myself more (which is working so far from what I can see). The day I leave, I’m going to tell Lexiyee to bring my mother back all of the sewing stuff that she still has and to pick up her stuff that I have. She’ll have to, it’s not my stuff and it’s not hers, it’s my mother’s stuff. I hope she’ll look through the stuff and not just throw it all away, mainly the travel scrapbook. Then, once I get back from Italy, I’m going to ask her out on one last day, and say up front, that if she doesn’t want to she doesn’t have to, and even if she does go on it, that there are no strings attached to it. We don’t have to get back together or anything, I just want one last chance. She had said in December when we broke up briefly that we could still go out on dates and stuff, so I’m going to take her up on that. However, I know I’m not ready for it yet, I still need to grow. If it works out, then wonderful, but if it doesn’t, then I should be well enough to detach myself from it all. The only things I see going wrong between now and then are if she says no to it, or if she gets a boyfriend between now and then.

So, goals. I have some other ones now. Let’s see how I turn out. I have hope, even if it’s not with her, I will still love her and wish her the best in life. Hope for the future of my life.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 13

I couldn’t sleep last night, I don’t know why, but I just could not get myself to fall asleep. And when I had finally managed to get some rest, I get a text from my friend Fails about wanting to hang out and do stuff. I told him to give me an hour so I could take a quick nap to give me a bit of energy.

Once I woke up I met him at McDonald’s we had a long talk about his work that he had been doing over the summer. He earned a lot of money and got a lot of experience. He worked a manufacturing job making hoses and gaskets and stuff. We then moved on to video games and our takes on different ones that we had played.

We finished up at McDonald’s and then went back to my house to hang out and talk some more. We played some Munchkin and play tested one of my Magic decks, which didn’t go well for what I had made. After that we started talking about all the stuff that had happened to me and how I was dealing with it all. Since it was Fails I told him the whole story, unlike most people where I just say that we grew apart from each other. We talked for a long time, trading stories and experiences in this field. He helped a lot, partly because he is down to earth and reasonable and really helpful, and partly because he’s a really good friend.

After a while he left to go home and I went back to my day of Pokémon and The Hobbit. I didn’t work out today again, but I worked on my emotions and feelings, so I think it was an improvement. I’m still not completely better, but I’m working on it.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 12

I slept in today because when I first woke up it was raining and it really soothed me. After that I spent the rest of the day in my room reading and watching TV. I’m almost halfway done with The Hobbit, and on the note of The Hobbit, I found out a few days ago that it will be turned into a trilogy for the movies because they unearthed the deep sea scrolls of Tolkien’s work or something. I thought they were pushing it when I heard they were splitting it into two movies.

Once I finally woke up, I went and participated in the Team Fortress 2 clan event for the day. It went fairly well, though we had only a few people actually show up to it. I did fairly well overall, but I cut out early because it started to get repetitive. After that, like I said before, my day descended into TV and reading The Hobbit. After a while though, I got tired and decided to restart my Pokémon SoulSilver. It was a good choice, I started with Cyndaquil and am about to get to the first badge. I think tomorrow I’ll try to be more productive, maybe catch a movie or something.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 11

I hung out with some of my friends today. It wasn’t that bad, talked about card games and stuff. We ended up playing Ultimate Uno, which is an amazing game that everyone should play, and then we played Mario Party 3. That game is one of the most imbalanced piece of amazingness ever created. Last turn Chance Time, take all of the stars from 1^st place and give them all to last place. What the hell? I ended up coming third in the first game, and then first in the second game.

After that I did a drive by of her house. Yup. Still there. So again, I’m in a slump. I really need this weekend to end and next weekend to start so I can just have some fun with my friends. After that I just have to make it out of the country so I can get better and then move. Once I get back in the country its going to be San Antonio, and then grad school somewhere up north. I think I’m going to try for Penn state or somewhere in Washington, preferably Seattle. Course all of this means that I get another batch of loneliness, depression, anxiety, and dependency issues. Sad this is that I want to have those problems instead of my current ones.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect