Archive for July, 2012

I couldn’t sleep last night, so instead I spoke to a friend about how I was doing and how I was dealing with things. It was a long conversation where I talked about my codependency issues, along with my abandonment issues. They go so well together it seems, I don’t want to be without someone and I become self-destructive when I’m without someone. It was a long night for me. After talking to my friend, I kept on thinking, and thinking, and thinking. All of which just made me more and more angry with life.

Why me? What did I do? Why can’t things go right for me? Why am I the only one who isn’t allowed to be happy? It’s not fair. Nothing is fair. And the thoughts just kept roaring up until I was finally able to fall asleep.

When I actually woke up during the day, I had intended to go the art museums in town, but after my night, I didn’t want to leave my room and do anything. I was just too depressed with how things were. I can’t talk to people because they were either her friends, thus they all hate me for one reason or another, or they are one of my six friends, all of whom don’t believe this has happened and make me feel worse because they bring her up and make it so I have to keep thinking about her. I have no friends here. That is why, once I return from abroad in December I will be finding an apartment near where I go to school. With this, I will not be coming back here. If I get the apartment the day I get back, then I will spend December in it and not return home. There is nothing left for me in this city.

So the rest of the day continued with movies, fried rice, TV, soda, and some light reading of the Hobbit. The end of my night descended into a marathon of recommended movies and classics. I watched Memento, which after about half an hour, I decided would be better with some rum. After that I watched part of the Dark Knight, and then finished up with The Number 23. After which I turned on mindless TV and went to bed for the day. I didn’t work out, I didn’t run, I didn’t try anything new (besides a movie), and I didn’t try to better myself. I sat around and felt sad for myself. Which I still am, but at least I got out some of the anger and frustration I have been dealing with.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

Woke up today, took my meds and did my curls, as usual. Today, however, was more eventful than previous days because I had to take my mother to the doctor this morning and back again. So I was able to wait in the waiting room and read some more of the Hobbit. I was able to make it to the part where Bilbo has a riddle battle with Gollum. I did fairly well for the riddles, there were only two that I could not get (the damn egg one and the one about the fish).

After taking my mother back home I went ahead and finished my book of Pablo Neruda poems, and again I have to say that not all of them are gems (it was a selection of his poems from 1925-1970) the tail of the book was kind of a blow out for me. Not as many poems hit me or made much of an impact, which was unfortunate. I was hoping that as I went it would grow on me and that his later works would be better to me, but I found myself mistaken this time.

Reading took a large chuck of the day, after which I took a break and had some fried rice (two portions) and went on to play Devil Survivor II with Top Gear in the background. It was a good way to relax and unwind a bit before I had to get ready for my evening run.

During this evening’s run I found myself reflecting on the past five years and what all I had done and what it all meant to me. I will be the first to admit this; I am not the good guy. I have lied, I have cheated, I have stolen, and I have been an awful person. After looking back on the depth of my life and personality, I found that I was no deeper than a mere puddle. This revelation brought me back to why I was doing all of this. Would this change what my end goal was? Would it mean that I would strive for a different ending? Would I forget my barber’s words and act as I had before, with the thought of free will? It was all mind numbing to think about.

After I had shaken myself out of my self-induced trauma, I noticed I was by the pond where I had once made a statement before. I took it on myself to revisit this place and look at where I had been then and where I was now. Who was I then? What had I done since then? Who had I become? None of the answers were pleasant for me to say out loud, but they all needed to be said. I started to think about my lack of future and lack of direction; what would I do to change that? Would I just accept fate and see what loomed forward, or would I taken the reins and steer my own life? I still do not know which I will choose, but I do know what I am doing.

I am improving body and mind, so that the soul may follow (no I have not found religion or any of that). I am improving my body by exercising and doing the things I never did before or could never do before. I am making it so I am proud of myself for something. Proud that when this is over, even if it’s not as much as I wanted, I will have stuck to it and continue to stick to it. I am improving my mind, not just so that I can say I am cultured or well-read or any of that nonsense. It will be so that I am not dull, not boring, but an interesting individual. I want people to gravitate towards me. This is not just about reading books, it’s about going out and experiencing things. Tonight I tried my father’s Humming Bird cake, something that has pineapple, apple sauce, apples and some other stuff in it as well. Something I would never try before, I made myself try. It was not a bad choice, but it was not my favorite cake that I have ever had.

40 days. Body. Mind. Soul. After which, I will never call myself the Black Knight again. So I will not be boring, or dull, or not invited to events. 40 days to become the man I should and want to be.

I end today with a little hope to see where things go.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

Day two begins with the usual meds and curls as before, but then I proceeded to go out and get donuts for breakfast. After that I took a long nap, which did not help the fact that I usually stay awake until 4am and sleep until 2pm. So after that misplaced nap I went on to read some of Pablo Neruda and get more cultured. After reading a few hundred pages, I have come to find that most of his poems are not gems. There were a few that I really enjoyed and have marked to later reflection, but for the most part I have been unimpressed by it all.

I was supposed to go with my mother to go workout at the local gym by my house, however my legs still hurt from the day before and I had no urge to leave the house and be productive. So instead I watched the Ocean movies and read some more Pablo Neruda. The Ocean movies are some of the best movies I have ever seen to date, they have so many charming elements about them that it is hard to compare them to other movies. They have a bunch of great actors, all doing hilarious things with a well written script.

The rest of the day was kind of a waste, all that I did was order in Chinese food with my dad and then go for my run. Now on the subject of my run, I would like to make a note; I go out at 9pm, every night, and jog around the neighborhood until I basically kill myself. Before I had chosen to run around the local pond and a couple of the neighborhoods around, but I changed my route and instead chose to just do laps around the neighborhood until I hit five miles or more. At which point, I found out that all of the sprinklers in the neighborhood turn on around nine. Not at nine, just around nine; I know this because as I ran, some turned on, some turned off, but all of them kept on hitting me. So neighborhood committee or whatever you are, please, quit turning the sprinklers on when I run! Or if you are going to keep them like that, at least make them point at the grass, not the road, or one tree, or not come out at all. When they do that they are useless.

After my run I went on and did my crunches, curls, and shoulder presses (I avoided dips for the evening). This led to me finishing out my evening with just a bit more TV and reading.

I also discovered something. I have my nails back. I have nine of my ten finger nails back. The last one is my pinkie and that one was chewed down so much that it will take a while for it to come back, but it will shortly I hope. Over all, not a bad day, though my legs still hurt.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

This all started after I got my usual “shit happened to you” hair cut that I get whenever I need a fresh start. Now that I am back home, I was able to go to my favorite barber and have a good chat with the man. After a long conversation, and one of the best haircuts he’s ever given me, I came out with a new look on things and how I was going to take the next few days. He told me that we may like the door we are in, but whatever higher power there may be has a different plan for us, and if we do not get out of that door he may just shut it for us so we can go the way we are supposed to. Higher power ideas have never really struck me that much because I preferred free will and being able to control our lives as we see fit, but after talking to him further and discussing this, I came out feeling like I had a different look on life.

So after I finished that, I came home and counted the number of days that I had left until I left for Italy. It turned out that I had exactly forty days. So I decided that I would make the most of the forty days and improve body and mind. And thus starts the 40 Days: Body and Mind challenge that I’m making up. Today was day one, so I started my workouts, reading list, to do list, and anything else that I can come up with. I started by waking up and taking my meds. I did my curls for the morning after that and started to read The Awakened Mage, a book series that I started a while back that I wanted to finish.

The book was not that bad, but it had a lot to improve on. It was seven hundred pages for a lot of nothing happening until the last fifty. Overall though, it was a good series and it helped to pass the time until I went out for my run.

5 miles. 5 fucking miles. I was never a distance runner when I did track and field, but I thought I was in better shape than what I found out. Turns out, I’m not. Was a good run though, helped me clear my head and focus on things that mattered and that I really needed to address about myself. A friend said that all I was trying to do was fix shallow things, and I have to admit, I kind of was, but it helped to think about myself. I thought of all that I had done in my life and all that I wanted to do. All of that time to myself helped me think about who I am, what were my problems, and how I could be the man I wanted to be.

The day finished off with more curls and sit-ups, all of which I had hoped would put me to sleep with ease. It didn’t. This prompted me to stay up and finally get up and get a drink, at which point I found my mother was still awake. I had a long talk with her about life and how it was going at the moment. Pairing that with the conversation with my barber and I think I came out with the start of a new beginning. A new me. Starting with body and mind, the soul will follow.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect