Posts Tagged ‘love’

I took in the cleaning today, only about a week after my mother had told me to do it. After that I went around and took out all of the trash. This kind of “do stuff” mentality kept with me for most of the day.

It led to me cleaning out my closet and getting rid of stuff in my room. I started going through the stuff under my bed and throwing away old food wrappers and trash (note: I’m going to stop eating in my room, crumbs have gotten to be really annoying). After that I went through the storage bins under my bed, which had my old senior legacy which I didn’t care much about, but it did have my old travel scrapbook. The scrap book that I had made for Lexiyee one anniversary, it had all of the different kinds of places we were going to go and what all we were going to do. I flipped through it and read some of the entries there. It made me really sad, because I had not really wanted Lexiyee to come visit me in Italy, partly because I didn’t want to look stupid getting lost or not speaking the right language, but also because she had said that proposing abroad would be a great way to do it. I hadn’t gotten enough money together for the ring when she had talked to me about this so I didn’t really want to. Now I wish I had tried to help more.

I kept going through things and trying to straighten up some and organize my closet so I could actually use it once in a while. While doing this though I think I came to a conclusion about what I’m going to do and give myself some actual goals to strive for. I’m going to keep going with my forty days and see how much I evolve and keep up with my chronicling of it all. I’m going to keep working out, reading, and doing things with my friends. I’m going to keep up with my new style of things, dressing sharper and taking care of myself more (which is working so far from what I can see). The day I leave, I’m going to tell Lexiyee to bring my mother back all of the sewing stuff that she still has and to pick up her stuff that I have. She’ll have to, it’s not my stuff and it’s not hers, it’s my mother’s stuff. I hope she’ll look through the stuff and not just throw it all away, mainly the travel scrapbook. Then, once I get back from Italy, I’m going to ask her out on one last day, and say up front, that if she doesn’t want to she doesn’t have to, and even if she does go on it, that there are no strings attached to it. We don’t have to get back together or anything, I just want one last chance. She had said in December when we broke up briefly that we could still go out on dates and stuff, so I’m going to take her up on that. However, I know I’m not ready for it yet, I still need to grow. If it works out, then wonderful, but if it doesn’t, then I should be well enough to detach myself from it all. The only things I see going wrong between now and then are if she says no to it, or if she gets a boyfriend between now and then.

So, goals. I have some other ones now. Let’s see how I turn out. I have hope, even if it’s not with her, I will still love her and wish her the best in life. Hope for the future of my life.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

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Woke up today, took my meds and did my curls, as usual. Today, however, was more eventful than previous days because I had to take my mother to the doctor this morning and back again. So I was able to wait in the waiting room and read some more of the Hobbit. I was able to make it to the part where Bilbo has a riddle battle with Gollum. I did fairly well for the riddles, there were only two that I could not get (the damn egg one and the one about the fish).

After taking my mother back home I went ahead and finished my book of Pablo Neruda poems, and again I have to say that not all of them are gems (it was a selection of his poems from 1925-1970) the tail of the book was kind of a blow out for me. Not as many poems hit me or made much of an impact, which was unfortunate. I was hoping that as I went it would grow on me and that his later works would be better to me, but I found myself mistaken this time.

Reading took a large chuck of the day, after which I took a break and had some fried rice (two portions) and went on to play Devil Survivor II with Top Gear in the background. It was a good way to relax and unwind a bit before I had to get ready for my evening run.

During this evening’s run I found myself reflecting on the past five years and what all I had done and what it all meant to me. I will be the first to admit this; I am not the good guy. I have lied, I have cheated, I have stolen, and I have been an awful person. After looking back on the depth of my life and personality, I found that I was no deeper than a mere puddle. This revelation brought me back to why I was doing all of this. Would this change what my end goal was? Would it mean that I would strive for a different ending? Would I forget my barber’s words and act as I had before, with the thought of free will? It was all mind numbing to think about.

After I had shaken myself out of my self-induced trauma, I noticed I was by the pond where I had once made a statement before. I took it on myself to revisit this place and look at where I had been then and where I was now. Who was I then? What had I done since then? Who had I become? None of the answers were pleasant for me to say out loud, but they all needed to be said. I started to think about my lack of future and lack of direction; what would I do to change that? Would I just accept fate and see what loomed forward, or would I taken the reins and steer my own life? I still do not know which I will choose, but I do know what I am doing.

I am improving body and mind, so that the soul may follow (no I have not found religion or any of that). I am improving my body by exercising and doing the things I never did before or could never do before. I am making it so I am proud of myself for something. Proud that when this is over, even if it’s not as much as I wanted, I will have stuck to it and continue to stick to it. I am improving my mind, not just so that I can say I am cultured or well-read or any of that nonsense. It will be so that I am not dull, not boring, but an interesting individual. I want people to gravitate towards me. This is not just about reading books, it’s about going out and experiencing things. Tonight I tried my father’s Humming Bird cake, something that has pineapple, apple sauce, apples and some other stuff in it as well. Something I would never try before, I made myself try. It was not a bad choice, but it was not my favorite cake that I have ever had.

40 days. Body. Mind. Soul. After which, I will never call myself the Black Knight again. So I will not be boring, or dull, or not invited to events. 40 days to become the man I should and want to be.

I end today with a little hope to see where things go.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect