40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 15

Posted: August 11, 2012 in Introduction, Life, Projects, Thought Provoking, Uncategorized
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I went to my doctor today to get my meds adjusted and get a prescription for when I’m in Italy. Well, turns out I wasn’t taking quite the right meds that I was supposed to, so he wrote me a new prescription for the rights ones and increased my vitamins some more. We will see how this all affects me in the near future.

After that I went and ran the rest of the errands that I needed to do. I went to Office-whichever-the-fuck-it-is, and got some filing stuff for my mother. I hadn’t been there since I had made my prints of my D&D mats and before that was my portfolio run around. Afterwards I went to the bank to deposit the check that the university sent me for the refund of my deposit on my dorm room there. I was kind of surprised because I spilled a number of colored drinks on the carpet and wall, but I’m not going to complain about money. Once I finished that I made it back home and took a nap.

Once I finished my nap I went back to reading The Hobbit, and by the end of the night I finished it. Once I finished I was really worried for the movies that they are doing now, because it seems that it doesn’t have enough for three whole movies. Two movies was pushing it already, but I really don’t think they can make three movies from that one book, even if they use the deep sea scrolls of Tolkien’s work. After I finished reading I had pot roast for dinner with the family and talked about the movies with my family. We all shared similar fears about them.

After dinner, I went out for my run and started going through my emotions again. I kept getting mad at everything that was going on with me and how I was dealing with it all. I mean, I go to a shrink to try and fix what is wrong with me, I go to group therapy to fix other things that are wrong with me, I take meds so I don’t feel so tired just from getting up in the morning. I work so hard in school for B’s and little to no praise for what I do (some of that is reasonable, especially with my last project), I try to have friends where I am, and I just don’t understand. Why do things have to be so hard? Why can’t I just have something be easy, or be good, or be nice for once? I know I’ve done some bad things, but I actually have changed, and not the bull crap where I say I have, but I’m just lying so things will go away and just be simpler. I’m thinking that I’m just self-destructive at this point. That everything I do is actually to make it so I’m never happy. So I have a constant struggle and a constant complaint in my life. And that goal and stuff that I said yesterday? Yeah, that is gone. I just want a life where I don’t have to wake up each morning, drinking three cups of coffee after my meds, and try to figure out why that is so hard. Why can’t I just get rid of all of my problems, be happy, find someone who actually likes me, and just have a good life for once?

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect


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