Archive for August, 2012

Wednesday didn’t start off well because I kept on waking up in the middle of the night. I finally just gave up and showered and checked out earlier than I had really planned to. So I hit up the downtown campus and checked out the new Starbucks that we have down there. It’s not bad, but there are going to be traffic issues for where they placed it. After that I killed some time by questioning fiscal services about an email saying I owed money, but that I seemed to have a credit on my account instead. It turned out alright. It was finally time for my meeting.

The meeting went well, covered all of the things that needed to be covered again. Talked to the two girls that I know that are going. Brit asked how I was doing since she saw my relationship change. Sophia asked how my ex was doing, so I had to inform her of the change. After that we talked about all of the things we would do in Italy and how excited we were for it.

The meeting finished around noon, so I sat down with Erin again for a brief lunch before her next class and talked about her teachers and just kind of capped every topic before I left. Afterwards I hit Herwick’s to pick up some more supplies that I needed for the trip. I’m taking a dozen different sketchbooks that I’m hoping to fill up by the time I get back. Once that was done I hit the road and went back to Houston.

Talked about everything that happened with my parents when I got back. We also talked about living accommodations for when I get back. I would prefer to have my own place now that I know where Overton lives because I’m not a fan of the half hour to forty-five minute drive to the campus. We’ll see what happens, because I’m also not much of a fan of living alone. I don’t like being truly alone. When I lived at the dorms I could seclude myself in my room, but if I ever wanted to socialize I could just knock on Jake’s door and have a conversation about whatever. Another reason why I like being in a relationship, or at least one that has progressed far enough to have staying over be an option. I would be closer to the downtown area if I lived by myself, and could bike and enjoy the life there. The only reason I would be living alone is because most of the people that I could tolerate/enjoy living with didn’t work out that well. Not their fault, just the situation of things.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

I slept fairly well in my hotel last night. I started off my day with a shower and got ready for my lunch with Erin, the big lunch. We hit a place called Coulver’s which is some northerner thing that wasn’t that bad. We spent about two and a half hours there talking about everything that was going on with us. The first thing we hit was my relationship and what happened with that, which she had some words on, but not much because there really isn’t too much to go on. We then hit our mutual frustrations with the university and all of the things they do that just really annoys us. She always has some weird class issue going on because she transferred here, and mine are always about study abroad forms either not being filled out (which they are), or being filled out incorrectly (which isn’t my fault because there are no examples). So we continued to talk about all of the things we were going to be doing and all of our current situations. One thing we also hit, which I never want to hit with her again is religion. Now I normally never talk about religion with people because I just do not enjoy the conversation because I’ve had bad experiences with people on it. And I don’t want to talk with her about it again because I disagree heavily with one of the aspects that she said she believes. I respect her view and know where she is coming from with it, but there is no way I could believe in something like that, it just ruins any kind of hope I would have in the world.

So after lunch I went to the university for my appointment with my shrink, but I thought it was at 2pm, but it was actually at 3pm. Since I had an hour to kill, I went to the campus bookstore looking for headphones, only to come up dry. I went to the computer store right by there and picked up some cheap ones and a pair of Skullcandy around ear headphones, which I really shouldn’t have, but I’m a sucker for them.

So I finally make it to my shrink (Hi shrink!) and begin going through all of the stuff that happened to me since I last saw him. I just did a monologue of all of the things, ranging from my relationship, to some burned bridges, to my friends, and to how I felt about myself. We mainly talked about everything that happened with my relationship and how I felt about it all. It was all pretty helpful, I was kind of glad to finally get his point of view and help because I was tired of all of my friends repetitive responses. So by the end I was feeling much better about myself and where I was in life, though I’m still not where I want to be, but I have a different view on what I’m going to be doing. One thing that I’m going to really try to do is just be more about to things, because we had discussed how I felt about relationships and the fact that I don’t want to just date casually because part of my end goal is wife, kids, and happiness. The being open doesn’t just apply to my dating life now, it applies to all of the things around me. I think I’ve become more social to an extent. I’m asking my friends if they want to hang out more, actively seeking out conversations with some of them and whatnot.

Afterwards, I was fairly exhausted because I had forgotten to take my meds that day, which I’m not that fond of. The idea that if I don’t take my meds I can barely make it through the day is not appealing to me, unlike what I was taking before where if I missed a day it wasn’t that bad. The positive effects of my new meds are better, but I don’t like that one negative there. Oh well. I took a nap and then went to see the new Bourne movie with Tony, which was good. And that basically finished off my day. I think it was a pretty good day.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

So I woke up on time today and managed to get out the door roughly  when I wanted to so I would get to San Antonio with plenty of time to find where I was meeting Tony and Overton. The drive wasn’t too, plus I downloaded some new music for trip, which made it better. Once I made it to the loop around the city I looked for the shopping center that had the Red Robin so I could be prepared. After I found it I wandered around Target until it was time to actually be at Red Robin for lunch.

Lunch with Tony and Overton went well, we talked about the previous semester some and about the grading. I was glad that Overton agreed that Poursani’s grading was very generous, for everyone. I don’t think my last project deserved a B, and Overton didn’t think he deserved to pass the last project. We also talked about my break-up and how that all went down. They were confused when I told them the reasons, especially the immature part of it. They sympathized with me and wished me well on things. We hit on the topic of Dungeons and Dragons some, Magic, and living accommodations for when I get back. I might get my own place closer to the downtown campus so I don’t have to drive that much and can learn to ride a bike so I can instead bike to class. If I don’t do that then I can live with Overton, his brother, and one of their friends, which would be nice to live with people that I know, but the drive is half an hour to forty-five minutes into the city from where they live. I wasn’t too fond of that, but the rent I would pay would be great.

After lunch we talked a bit more outside the restaurant before separating for the day. After lunch I had a little time to myself before I set out for my dinner with my friends from Group. It was a good dinner, talked about everyone and how they were all doing. We mainly talked about me going to Italy whenever the conversation topics shifted to me, which was nice, but I’m going to be happy when I’m back from Italy and people stop only asking me about it. We touched on my break-up, and when I say touched I mean, I told them, they gasped, and then we moved on.

Overall, it was a pretty good day to have, and the hotel is really nice as well so I could relax fully at night.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

So I’m writing this post part way through the day and not at night or during the next day because of what happened to me this morning. She texted me saying that I could pick up my mother’s serger and that it would be by the front door. So I got dressed and pick it up, only to set off the house alarm and have her brother wake up and turn it off. Had an awkward encounter with him, that I kept as brief as possible. I also left my key to her place there. I don’t really need it anymore with how things are. There are a lot of things that I don’t need anymore.

So I needed to get this out and just try to calm myself down from all of my mixed feelings. I’m still angry about everything in my life at the moment, and I’m pretty sure I know what can fix it. Meeting Miss Perfect right now. I need to meet the person who will get my mind off of everything and make me feel the way that I want to feel and how I feel I deserve to feel. Of course that probably won’t happen, and even if it does it probably won’t happen for many many years after all of this, at which point my scars will be too deep to heal over maybe. I don’t, I’m just starting to rant at this point.

Everything is set for when I go to San Antonio tomorrow though, all of my appointments with friends and everything.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

I did my usual routine for the day of do as little as possible and play video games. I was still sore from running last night. My mother and I got together to hem my pants for when I go to Italy. I hate buying pants because they never make the right size for me. I don’t know about other guys, but the inseam is just too high up on pants that have the correct length. I don’t know what they are thinking when they make pants, but they certainly aren’t thinking of me.

I kept playing through Kingdom Hearts 3D, and I just beat Sora’s side of the story and I’m kind of wondering what all is actually going on. Apparently there is time travel, but none of that matters, even though they met people that the bad guys didn’t think they should meet. And it looks like they may be trying to turn Sora evil for some reason. I haven’t finished Riku’s side yet because I’m only the last slew of bosses at the end that have bullshit attacks. I like that they have included Riku more in the story for the past few games. He was always an interesting character to me, because he was dark, yet light, yet neither, yet both. It was a character type that I wasn’t sure about to start with until he was in Chain of Memories and he said that his combination of powers was actually the twilight to dawn.

I also worked on my rogue character for Dungeons and Dragons and I think that I’ve made the right rogue for this upcoming campaign. I just need to write up his back story and his physical descriptions. I also worked on a Binder character that Brandon showed me, it’s a pretty cool class to play just because of how it all works. Binding vestiges to me through rituals and depending on how successful they are, the vestige can manifest in my personality and determine some of my decisions and actions. I took the improved binding feat so I can bind higher level vestiges to me earlier on, that way I can take on an even more versatile role for the party, even though there is no party at the moment and no campaign for the character.

I finished off the day with a stop at BJs to pick up dinner for the family because I wanted to have a real meal, but no one felt like cooking.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

I stayed up late last night because I got in from my jog late and stayed up playing Killing Floor. I had intended to get up at 9am, but that didn’t happen. I think I’m going to design an alarm clock rubix cube that you have to solve so that it turns off. Around noon, my mother woke me up and asked if I was going to go out and run my errands for the day.

I finally willed myself up and got ready for the day with a cup of coffee, researching some Dungeons and Dragons material for the December quest, and my meds. I got dressed and hit up the pharmacy so I could get enough meds for my stay in Italy. Well they gave me another three month supply, so I’m good for a long time. After that I hit up the bank to inform them that I will be out of the country and that I don’t want them doing anything weird to my accounts once I’m over there. Well they told me to contact them via email to inform them of this fact, which confused me because I thought that doing it in person would work better for this kind of thing.

That finished out my errands so I spent the rest of my day eating lunch, playing more Killing Floor, and getting all of my books ready for the trip that I will be reading for both pleasure and for class. Brandon called and asked if he could drop by and pick up the shirt he left in my car from Schlitterbahn. When he got here we talked about work and Dungeons and Dragons stuff and school. He gave me a few ideas for classes that I could be and what I could do with my characters. It was a good talk and we’ll probably hang out before I leave for Italy.

Also, I don’t like Facebook and the photos that pop up on my feed. No matter where I am in the dealing getting better phase, still sucks.

Post Script: I’m angry. I’m angry a lot now. I’m angry that I’m not happy and that I don’t think I can be happy. I’m angry that other people are happy. I’m angry that she’s happy. I’m angry that for the last eight months I was in a dead relationship on her side. I’m angry that I work so hard, and do so much to get through each day and yet it means nothing. I’m angry that nothing makes it better, nothing heals it. I’m angry about the fact that I’m twenty, but I feel like I’m thirty. I’m angry that I don’t have what I feel I deserve: happiness. I’m angry that I don’t even know myself anymore. I’m angry because I don’t know if what I’m doing is because of me, or her, or something else. I’m angry at everything and everyone now.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

So today the important things that happened to me were kind of mixed, I got a text from her brother asking when I leave. I guess she’s just waiting till I’m gone so she can give my mother back her stuff, if not then she’s in deep shit because that’s my mother’s stuff. Still makes me kind of angry that she can’t be decent enough to just give my mother back her stuff until I leave. But whatever, I leave in a few days so none this will matter.

So with that happening, I decided to take a jog and clear my head some before getting ready for the rest of my night. It was a good jog; only three miles, but it helped me get out all of my thoughts that I had for the past few days and the new ones that sprang up today. It helped me clear things up with myself and what I was doing with my life and why I was doing everything.

I am doing things for myself, and no one else. I will study abroad and have an amazing time. I will get my bachelor’s degree and go to grad school. I will intern during grad school and hopefully have a job by the time I finish. After that I’ll become a fully licensed architect after that and begin working on my actual career. During all of this I will travel across the country so I can experience all that there is here. After that I’m going to travel the world to broaden things even further and do all of the amazing things out there. And somewhere in the mess of all of this, I’m going to get married to the right girl for me and have a family. All of this will be for me, and only me. I won’t do these things because of someone or something. I will only share my journey if someone will accompany me, but I won’t do any of this just because of them. If they are the right person, they get their own set of things that I would do. While finishing that sentence I feel like I want to add an emoticon to the end of it to help drive home the point, but I’m trying to keep this blog fairly classy so just picture a happy after that sentence.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the plot for a story that sounds kind of clichéd, but very interesting, and very me. It’s about a secret military project to create the perfect wetboy. Of course I picture myself as the main character, so if I ever get around to writing it you’ll get a glimpse into who I am.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect