Posts Tagged ‘sad’

By the time this post is posted I will be in Italy, but not only that, I will have been there for a day already. If you hadn’t noticed it yet, all of the posts were posted two days after they actually happened. This post is mainly to explain my final feelings before actually leaving the country. With this journey ahead of me, I will be taking the role of The Exile so that I may better understand not only architecture, but the world as a whole. The person separated from everything and can see things from an unbiased point of view.

The journey will take me from the shell that I am now, to the full being I will become at journey’s end. I will explore myself as an individual in a new world, myself with respect to other people, other people in respect to me, and to explore everything else that comes to mind. I will be making new friends while I am abroad and creating new bonds. Hopefully through everything that I will experience I will grow to be the person I want and need to be for the future, because I think I’m going back to karma, fate, and maybe a little luck for what happens to me.

To everyone who has been with me through all of this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and hope you will stay by me because I have a feeling the future has a few twists and turns left for me.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Exile

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Wednesday didn’t start off well because I kept on waking up in the middle of the night. I finally just gave up and showered and checked out earlier than I had really planned to. So I hit up the downtown campus and checked out the new Starbucks that we have down there. It’s not bad, but there are going to be traffic issues for where they placed it. After that I killed some time by questioning fiscal services about an email saying I owed money, but that I seemed to have a credit on my account instead. It turned out alright. It was finally time for my meeting.

The meeting went well, covered all of the things that needed to be covered again. Talked to the two girls that I know that are going. Brit asked how I was doing since she saw my relationship change. Sophia asked how my ex was doing, so I had to inform her of the change. After that we talked about all of the things we would do in Italy and how excited we were for it.

The meeting finished around noon, so I sat down with Erin again for a brief lunch before her next class and talked about her teachers and just kind of capped every topic before I left. Afterwards I hit Herwick’s to pick up some more supplies that I needed for the trip. I’m taking a dozen different sketchbooks that I’m hoping to fill up by the time I get back. Once that was done I hit the road and went back to Houston.

Talked about everything that happened with my parents when I got back. We also talked about living accommodations for when I get back. I would prefer to have my own place now that I know where Overton lives because I’m not a fan of the half hour to forty-five minute drive to the campus. We’ll see what happens, because I’m also not much of a fan of living alone. I don’t like being truly alone. When I lived at the dorms I could seclude myself in my room, but if I ever wanted to socialize I could just knock on Jake’s door and have a conversation about whatever. Another reason why I like being in a relationship, or at least one that has progressed far enough to have staying over be an option. I would be closer to the downtown area if I lived by myself, and could bike and enjoy the life there. The only reason I would be living alone is because most of the people that I could tolerate/enjoy living with didn’t work out that well. Not their fault, just the situation of things.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

I slept fairly well in my hotel last night. I started off my day with a shower and got ready for my lunch with Erin, the big lunch. We hit a place called Coulver’s which is some northerner thing that wasn’t that bad. We spent about two and a half hours there talking about everything that was going on with us. The first thing we hit was my relationship and what happened with that, which she had some words on, but not much because there really isn’t too much to go on. We then hit our mutual frustrations with the university and all of the things they do that just really annoys us. She always has some weird class issue going on because she transferred here, and mine are always about study abroad forms either not being filled out (which they are), or being filled out incorrectly (which isn’t my fault because there are no examples). So we continued to talk about all of the things we were going to be doing and all of our current situations. One thing we also hit, which I never want to hit with her again is religion. Now I normally never talk about religion with people because I just do not enjoy the conversation because I’ve had bad experiences with people on it. And I don’t want to talk with her about it again because I disagree heavily with one of the aspects that she said she believes. I respect her view and know where she is coming from with it, but there is no way I could believe in something like that, it just ruins any kind of hope I would have in the world.

So after lunch I went to the university for my appointment with my shrink, but I thought it was at 2pm, but it was actually at 3pm. Since I had an hour to kill, I went to the campus bookstore looking for headphones, only to come up dry. I went to the computer store right by there and picked up some cheap ones and a pair of Skullcandy around ear headphones, which I really shouldn’t have, but I’m a sucker for them.

So I finally make it to my shrink (Hi shrink!) and begin going through all of the stuff that happened to me since I last saw him. I just did a monologue of all of the things, ranging from my relationship, to some burned bridges, to my friends, and to how I felt about myself. We mainly talked about everything that happened with my relationship and how I felt about it all. It was all pretty helpful, I was kind of glad to finally get his point of view and help because I was tired of all of my friends repetitive responses. So by the end I was feeling much better about myself and where I was in life, though I’m still not where I want to be, but I have a different view on what I’m going to be doing. One thing that I’m going to really try to do is just be more about to things, because we had discussed how I felt about relationships and the fact that I don’t want to just date casually because part of my end goal is wife, kids, and happiness. The being open doesn’t just apply to my dating life now, it applies to all of the things around me. I think I’ve become more social to an extent. I’m asking my friends if they want to hang out more, actively seeking out conversations with some of them and whatnot.

Afterwards, I was fairly exhausted because I had forgotten to take my meds that day, which I’m not that fond of. The idea that if I don’t take my meds I can barely make it through the day is not appealing to me, unlike what I was taking before where if I missed a day it wasn’t that bad. The positive effects of my new meds are better, but I don’t like that one negative there. Oh well. I took a nap and then went to see the new Bourne movie with Tony, which was good. And that basically finished off my day. I think it was a pretty good day.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

So I woke up on time today and managed to get out the door roughly  when I wanted to so I would get to San Antonio with plenty of time to find where I was meeting Tony and Overton. The drive wasn’t too, plus I downloaded some new music for trip, which made it better. Once I made it to the loop around the city I looked for the shopping center that had the Red Robin so I could be prepared. After I found it I wandered around Target until it was time to actually be at Red Robin for lunch.

Lunch with Tony and Overton went well, we talked about the previous semester some and about the grading. I was glad that Overton agreed that Poursani’s grading was very generous, for everyone. I don’t think my last project deserved a B, and Overton didn’t think he deserved to pass the last project. We also talked about my break-up and how that all went down. They were confused when I told them the reasons, especially the immature part of it. They sympathized with me and wished me well on things. We hit on the topic of Dungeons and Dragons some, Magic, and living accommodations for when I get back. I might get my own place closer to the downtown campus so I don’t have to drive that much and can learn to ride a bike so I can instead bike to class. If I don’t do that then I can live with Overton, his brother, and one of their friends, which would be nice to live with people that I know, but the drive is half an hour to forty-five minutes into the city from where they live. I wasn’t too fond of that, but the rent I would pay would be great.

After lunch we talked a bit more outside the restaurant before separating for the day. After lunch I had a little time to myself before I set out for my dinner with my friends from Group. It was a good dinner, talked about everyone and how they were all doing. We mainly talked about me going to Italy whenever the conversation topics shifted to me, which was nice, but I’m going to be happy when I’m back from Italy and people stop only asking me about it. We touched on my break-up, and when I say touched I mean, I told them, they gasped, and then we moved on.

Overall, it was a pretty good day to have, and the hotel is really nice as well so I could relax fully at night.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

So I’m writing this post part way through the day and not at night or during the next day because of what happened to me this morning. She texted me saying that I could pick up my mother’s serger and that it would be by the front door. So I got dressed and pick it up, only to set off the house alarm and have her brother wake up and turn it off. Had an awkward encounter with him, that I kept as brief as possible. I also left my key to her place there. I don’t really need it anymore with how things are. There are a lot of things that I don’t need anymore.

So I needed to get this out and just try to calm myself down from all of my mixed feelings. I’m still angry about everything in my life at the moment, and I’m pretty sure I know what can fix it. Meeting Miss Perfect right now. I need to meet the person who will get my mind off of everything and make me feel the way that I want to feel and how I feel I deserve to feel. Of course that probably won’t happen, and even if it does it probably won’t happen for many many years after all of this, at which point my scars will be too deep to heal over maybe. I don’t, I’m just starting to rant at this point.

Everything is set for when I go to San Antonio tomorrow though, all of my appointments with friends and everything.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

So today was eventful in the fact that I actually did some things instead of just relaxing with Fallout 3 and classic movies. I started looking at movie listing and seeing what all was out so I could maybe see a movie tonight. Well I saw that Expendables 2 had come out, and I had wanted to see that so I decided that I would catch it by myself. Well as I’m starting to get ready for the time I had picked to see it, Robert calls and I have to talk to him. This was a good thing, I like hearing from him, though some of the things talked about weren’t so good for me. We touched on his work and his teaching for the coming semester, but then we started to talk about the rest of my family and what they were up to. Alex is in a serious relationship with his girlfriend and starting to shop for a ring and he got the job he had applied for or whatever and is getting ready to take the bar. Ian is going to propose in September some time and then probably get married the next summer. And Meg is applying for day time hours at her job that she likes. Add all of that to what I’ve been going through and feeling and we get a fairly big pit in me at the moment.

It’s not even about her anymore, it’s about where I was and how I felt in life. I felt I was where I should be and was actually starting to feel how I should feel about life. All that goes away and then half of my family is at the point I was at all in the blink of an eye. I want them all to be happy, but their happiness was planned poorly with some of my misery.

So that lowered my spirits for the evening, but I still went out to go see the Expendables 2. It was a really good movie that I think everyone should see. It won’t push boundaries or be an award winner for anything that big, but it does exactly what it should. The movie brings together basically every big action star in the last few decades and then goes “you know, we have all of these stars that people know, let’s just have fun with this!” Which is exactly what they do. They make jokes about everyone’s past: Terminator jokes, Die Hard jokes, they even had freaking Chuck Norris jokes! What more could you ask for in an action flick like this one? They blow stuff up and make funny jokes.

After the movie I grab a quick meal at IHOP to finish off my night, and then went back home to get some rest for the coming week.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

I couldn’t sleep last night, so instead I spoke to a friend about how I was doing and how I was dealing with things. It was a long conversation where I talked about my codependency issues, along with my abandonment issues. They go so well together it seems, I don’t want to be without someone and I become self-destructive when I’m without someone. It was a long night for me. After talking to my friend, I kept on thinking, and thinking, and thinking. All of which just made me more and more angry with life.

Why me? What did I do? Why can’t things go right for me? Why am I the only one who isn’t allowed to be happy? It’s not fair. Nothing is fair. And the thoughts just kept roaring up until I was finally able to fall asleep.

When I actually woke up during the day, I had intended to go the art museums in town, but after my night, I didn’t want to leave my room and do anything. I was just too depressed with how things were. I can’t talk to people because they were either her friends, thus they all hate me for one reason or another, or they are one of my six friends, all of whom don’t believe this has happened and make me feel worse because they bring her up and make it so I have to keep thinking about her. I have no friends here. That is why, once I return from abroad in December I will be finding an apartment near where I go to school. With this, I will not be coming back here. If I get the apartment the day I get back, then I will spend December in it and not return home. There is nothing left for me in this city.

So the rest of the day continued with movies, fried rice, TV, soda, and some light reading of the Hobbit. The end of my night descended into a marathon of recommended movies and classics. I watched Memento, which after about half an hour, I decided would be better with some rum. After that I watched part of the Dark Knight, and then finished up with The Number 23. After which I turned on mindless TV and went to bed for the day. I didn’t work out, I didn’t run, I didn’t try anything new (besides a movie), and I didn’t try to better myself. I sat around and felt sad for myself. Which I still am, but at least I got out some of the anger and frustration I have been dealing with.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect