Posts Tagged ‘Baggins’

Woke up today, took my meds and did my curls, as usual. Today, however, was more eventful than previous days because I had to take my mother to the doctor this morning and back again. So I was able to wait in the waiting room and read some more of the Hobbit. I was able to make it to the part where Bilbo has a riddle battle with Gollum. I did fairly well for the riddles, there were only two that I could not get (the damn egg one and the one about the fish).

After taking my mother back home I went ahead and finished my book of Pablo Neruda poems, and again I have to say that not all of them are gems (it was a selection of his poems from 1925-1970) the tail of the book was kind of a blow out for me. Not as many poems hit me or made much of an impact, which was unfortunate. I was hoping that as I went it would grow on me and that his later works would be better to me, but I found myself mistaken this time.

Reading took a large chuck of the day, after which I took a break and had some fried rice (two portions) and went on to play Devil Survivor II with Top Gear in the background. It was a good way to relax and unwind a bit before I had to get ready for my evening run.

During this evening’s run I found myself reflecting on the past five years and what all I had done and what it all meant to me. I will be the first to admit this; I am not the good guy. I have lied, I have cheated, I have stolen, and I have been an awful person. After looking back on the depth of my life and personality, I found that I was no deeper than a mere puddle. This revelation brought me back to why I was doing all of this. Would this change what my end goal was? Would it mean that I would strive for a different ending? Would I forget my barber’s words and act as I had before, with the thought of free will? It was all mind numbing to think about.

After I had shaken myself out of my self-induced trauma, I noticed I was by the pond where I had once made a statement before. I took it on myself to revisit this place and look at where I had been then and where I was now. Who was I then? What had I done since then? Who had I become? None of the answers were pleasant for me to say out loud, but they all needed to be said. I started to think about my lack of future and lack of direction; what would I do to change that? Would I just accept fate and see what loomed forward, or would I taken the reins and steer my own life? I still do not know which I will choose, but I do know what I am doing.

I am improving body and mind, so that the soul may follow (no I have not found religion or any of that). I am improving my body by exercising and doing the things I never did before or could never do before. I am making it so I am proud of myself for something. Proud that when this is over, even if it’s not as much as I wanted, I will have stuck to it and continue to stick to it. I am improving my mind, not just so that I can say I am cultured or well-read or any of that nonsense. It will be so that I am not dull, not boring, but an interesting individual. I want people to gravitate towards me. This is not just about reading books, it’s about going out and experiencing things. Tonight I tried my father’s Humming Bird cake, something that has pineapple, apple sauce, apples and some other stuff in it as well. Something I would never try before, I made myself try. It was not a bad choice, but it was not my favorite cake that I have ever had.

40 days. Body. Mind. Soul. After which, I will never call myself the Black Knight again. So I will not be boring, or dull, or not invited to events. 40 days to become the man I should and want to be.

I end today with a little hope to see where things go.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect