Posts Tagged ‘anger’

So I’m writing this post part way through the day and not at night or during the next day because of what happened to me this morning. She texted me saying that I could pick up my mother’s serger and that it would be by the front door. So I got dressed and pick it up, only to set off the house alarm and have her brother wake up and turn it off. Had an awkward encounter with him, that I kept as brief as possible. I also left my key to her place there. I don’t really need it anymore with how things are. There are a lot of things that I don’t need anymore.

So I needed to get this out and just try to calm myself down from all of my mixed feelings. I’m still angry about everything in my life at the moment, and I’m pretty sure I know what can fix it. Meeting Miss Perfect right now. I need to meet the person who will get my mind off of everything and make me feel the way that I want to feel and how I feel I deserve to feel. Of course that probably won’t happen, and even if it does it probably won’t happen for many many years after all of this, at which point my scars will be too deep to heal over maybe. I don’t, I’m just starting to rant at this point.

Everything is set for when I go to San Antonio tomorrow though, all of my appointments with friends and everything.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

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I couldn’t sleep last night, so instead I spoke to a friend about how I was doing and how I was dealing with things. It was a long conversation where I talked about my codependency issues, along with my abandonment issues. They go so well together it seems, I don’t want to be without someone and I become self-destructive when I’m without someone. It was a long night for me. After talking to my friend, I kept on thinking, and thinking, and thinking. All of which just made me more and more angry with life.

Why me? What did I do? Why can’t things go right for me? Why am I the only one who isn’t allowed to be happy? It’s not fair. Nothing is fair. And the thoughts just kept roaring up until I was finally able to fall asleep.

When I actually woke up during the day, I had intended to go the art museums in town, but after my night, I didn’t want to leave my room and do anything. I was just too depressed with how things were. I can’t talk to people because they were either her friends, thus they all hate me for one reason or another, or they are one of my six friends, all of whom don’t believe this has happened and make me feel worse because they bring her up and make it so I have to keep thinking about her. I have no friends here. That is why, once I return from abroad in December I will be finding an apartment near where I go to school. With this, I will not be coming back here. If I get the apartment the day I get back, then I will spend December in it and not return home. There is nothing left for me in this city.

So the rest of the day continued with movies, fried rice, TV, soda, and some light reading of the Hobbit. The end of my night descended into a marathon of recommended movies and classics. I watched Memento, which after about half an hour, I decided would be better with some rum. After that I watched part of the Dark Knight, and then finished up with The Number 23. After which I turned on mindless TV and went to bed for the day. I didn’t work out, I didn’t run, I didn’t try anything new (besides a movie), and I didn’t try to better myself. I sat around and felt sad for myself. Which I still am, but at least I got out some of the anger and frustration I have been dealing with.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect