I slept in today. I didn’t work out. I didn’t improve myself. I stagnated today.

I got a call from John asking if I wanted to play D&D today, so of course I said yes. I managed to pull out the shirt I got from Plato’s Closet and wear for this, helps with my whole “body and mind” thing. I classed up my style. So I made it there and we played some D&D, except after I got there I was told that Brandon was going to be there. I haven’t spoken to him or seen him in years because I still wanted to punch him in the face. Once he got there though, I just got over it and had a good time with my friends. At IHOP we got to talking and I told him that I hadn’t talked to him because I wanted to punch him, and he understood. I guess you can only hold a grudge for so long. I still hold a grudge, but not as much as to punch him in the face anymore. Maybe just slash his tires or key his car. After typing that I realized I can’t show facial expressions or use my voice to convey sarcasm and that fact that I’m kidding.

After we finished and everyone went home, I went on Tumblr and just tumbled for a while until the little man in the back of my head couldn’t take it anymore and told me to do something. So I got dressed again, went out to my car, got in, and drove past her house. She’s in town, but I knew that. I knew she was coming into town. Yet I still went, even though I knew it would only make me feel sad, angry, alone, depressed, and many other complex emotions. I sat outside her house for a few minutes, just thinking about it all. I ended it by saying out loud to myself I needed to move on. I needed to get through this, as much for me as for you. I figured the whole friend thing wouldn’t work because you’d either see me again and feel sorry for me because I was sad and lonely and get back with me not because you wanted to, or I would just be pathetic and stalk you till the end of the world. I figure I probably won’t see her before I leave for Italy, that she probably won’t talk to me before that either.

I can’t wait to move. I can’t wait to get away from it all. I just want to start fresh somewhere else. I know it seems like I’m whining or being pathetic, but I’d like to see you after being dumped, and I mean dumped, by your girlfriend of five years, whom you had been talking about future homes, pets, and wedding stuff. I didn’t just lose my girlfriend. I lost my life, figuratively. So, with no life where I am, I want to establish a new life somewhere else.

One of the problems that I’m going to have though is that I like being in a real functioning relationship. I think about the future and want a serious relationship. So here it is ladies, if any of you ever get into a relationship with me I will: tell you up front that I want a serious relationship, I will not tell you a lie or fudge the truth (but with that I ask that you don’t have to like what I say, but that you have to respect it and remember that I am telling you the truth), I have my own set of problems and that I’m working on them, and I’m a workaholic because I love what I do (even though I complain about it) so I would like you to take an interest in it as well. Some of these are changes that I’m making, I used to lie to not hurt feelings, I didn’t work on my own problems, and I didn’t make as much of an effort to get people actually interested in what I do. When I say interested, I mean more than just the annoying, “what’s that building type” that people ask when we’re in the middle of a normal city. Most cities do not have interesting architecture lying around; you have to look for it and experience it. Something no one I talk to understands is that architecture isn’t just sketches and models, its experiences and ideas. You actually understand architecture when you experience it; it makes you feel things and changes how you feel about things.

So that’s where I stand today. I’m broken and trying to fix myself before I seriously go looking for someone. I really don’t want to tell whoever they may be that they will be getting involved with a broken person.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

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