40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 5

Posted: August 1, 2012 in Introduction, Life, Projects, Random, Thought Provoking
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Started back up working out again today, so I took my meds and did my curls. My morning was fairly uneventful, it was Sunday so I couldn’t do much, and when I finally got to the point where I wanted to do something, it was too late to.

Most of the day descended into Top Gear, fried rice, and Tumblr. Not the most productive day I’ve had, but at least I didn’t spend most of it in bed. I did manage to get my guitars out and tune them so I could practice a little bit to get my mind off things before I went for my jog, at which point my mind would only be on things.

So the jog. This time I seemed to get stuck on where I had been a couple weeks ago, and where I was now. I was picking out house pets, wedding cakes, and figuring out future states to live in for grad school and stuff. I think that is probably one of the most painful things about all that has happened to me recently, the fact that I thought I was somewhere with someone, and then, in an instant, I was somewhere completely different with no one. She said she’d been thinking about this since December, so for seven months I was lied to. Lied to about where we were, what we were doing, and now I’m not even sure if there were feelings on her end.

I’m not saying that she never had feelings for me, just during those seven months I wonder how she actually saw me. What went through her head when I was around, what was on her mind when I wasn’t? Heh, it was kind of sad to let my mind linger on these thoughts, it only hurt more and more as I thought about it all. At this point in my jog, I was by the local lake in the park, but at a point I usually don’t notice. Except this time, it’s a clear night, and on clear nights such as this one, when the moon is shining so brightly, you can actually see the reflection of the moon on the surface. The shimmer of it all on the lake, mesmerizing with its beauty. It took me by such a surprise that it hypnotized me, making me stand by the edge of the water for a while.

Snapping out of my trance, I continued on, thinking of how new eyes see old things differently. On the tail end of my jog, I got back to thinking, as I always do, and came back to how I think of myself. Always the villain, always the bad guy, always in black, never in white. Why did I always ally myself with evil? Besides having the cooler Jedi force powers and costumes, evil and darkness never win. But I guess that is kind of the punch line of my life right there. I finished my jog wondering if I could ever be the good guy.

The rest of my night went on to laundry, dinner, and more Tumblr. I didn’t read. I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to delude myself, didn’t want to live in an imagined world. I needed to spend time in reality again.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect


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