40 Days: Body and Mind – Day 4

Posted: July 31, 2012 in Introduction, Life, Projects, Random, Thought Provoking, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I couldn’t sleep last night, so instead I spoke to a friend about how I was doing and how I was dealing with things. It was a long conversation where I talked about my codependency issues, along with my abandonment issues. They go so well together it seems, I don’t want to be without someone and I become self-destructive when I’m without someone. It was a long night for me. After talking to my friend, I kept on thinking, and thinking, and thinking. All of which just made me more and more angry with life.

Why me? What did I do? Why can’t things go right for me? Why am I the only one who isn’t allowed to be happy? It’s not fair. Nothing is fair. And the thoughts just kept roaring up until I was finally able to fall asleep.

When I actually woke up during the day, I had intended to go the art museums in town, but after my night, I didn’t want to leave my room and do anything. I was just too depressed with how things were. I can’t talk to people because they were either her friends, thus they all hate me for one reason or another, or they are one of my six friends, all of whom don’t believe this has happened and make me feel worse because they bring her up and make it so I have to keep thinking about her. I have no friends here. That is why, once I return from abroad in December I will be finding an apartment near where I go to school. With this, I will not be coming back here. If I get the apartment the day I get back, then I will spend December in it and not return home. There is nothing left for me in this city.

So the rest of the day continued with movies, fried rice, TV, soda, and some light reading of the Hobbit. The end of my night descended into a marathon of recommended movies and classics. I watched Memento, which after about half an hour, I decided would be better with some rum. After that I watched part of the Dark Knight, and then finished up with The Number 23. After which I turned on mindless TV and went to bed for the day. I didn’t work out, I didn’t run, I didn’t try anything new (besides a movie), and I didn’t try to better myself. I sat around and felt sad for myself. Which I still am, but at least I got out some of the anger and frustration I have been dealing with.

Whatever the risk, still onward.

-The Architect

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